A middle finger to my flaws

I went to the dentist the other day, and I had a couple cavities(so horrible,I know, but trust me, if I were to tell you the number of cavities I've had in total throughout my life, THAT would be a disaster). I used to be scared shitless of going to the dentist (the fear of facing the number of cavities I had probably had something to do with this),but now it's fine. The only uncomfortable part is when the dentist drills my teeth in preparation of filling up the cavity and the drill gets dauntingly close to the nerve. That's when I grip my fingers and try to think of other things, like wayfarers, and certain people (I'm really not sure whether it's a compliment or an insult to tell someone I thought of them while having my teeth drilled).

And for some reason it just dawned on me on how intimate the whole thing is. I had someone else's hands in my mouth! Why did that not ever occur to me before? Luckily, my dentist is this really nice lady. I wanted to punch(ooh, urges to physically assault) her assistant who tended to painfully jab the saliva sucker thingamajig into the floor of my mouth though.

Most of the extended family and then some knows about my internship, which is funny, considering the fact that I am somewhat dreading work and the inevitable screw-ups that come along with it. And the 'orientation' period? Aaaack.

I was watching Before Sunset again(well, a portion of it before the DVD got stuck and I couldn't be arsed to eject it, re-insert it, and skip beyond the stuck bit), and I wished I could be someone like Celine-opinionated, involved in something cool and noble like working to improve international laws concerning environmental issues, someone who's worked in India and done a stint in Warsaw, things like that. Being French is a plus too. I would settle for just being opinionated for the time being, because at the moment, I don't have opinions on a lot of things, which bothers me. I don't have an opinion on whether Chin Peng should be allowed back into the country, or about the MCA fractions, or the BTN revamp, or islamic banking. I am disinterested.

I wonder when I stopped being afraid of the work 'fuck'.

How are we doing spiritually? Not good, not good. I have deviated from the straight and narrow(though it was never straight to begin with, if you know what I mean), and I do so sheepishly, knowing that I shouldn't be doing this, that I will end up on the road to fucked-upness. I will either crash and implode spectacularly, or something will click quietly and I'll be able to slip back into something better than what I am know. I hope it's the latter, and I hope it's soon.

I've been playing a bit on the piano since getting back, which brings me a small secret sense of pleasure. It occupies my time, I like to see my fingers move across the keys, and it's nice to hear a tune take shape. But, as my sister kindly pointed out, the extent of my playing repertoire is limited(I keep playing the same 4 songs over and over).

I miss my Kellogs and half wish you guys were here just so that we could go lepak at a mamak or something.

For some reason, I really hate Giuliana Dipandi(am I referring to the right person here?) and the other kumquats that make up the panel on the stupid E! show that judges red-carpet looks.

I must repent. again.

I was lying on my bed, reading through a blog, when suddenly I saw out of the corner of my left eye, something fluttering up. A moth.

Now, I don't know if you know this, but I am scared of moths, butterflies, cockroaches, and anything yang sewaktu dengannya. Which turns even me off sometimes, it's such a clichéd girly fear. But fear them I do, even if the moth/butterfly/etc in question is about 25 times smaller then me. As long as it has wings that can make it fly around erratically, I'm a goner.

So I saw this moth, and my first instinct was to swear(a whispered "mother". Why "mother"? Well, some scattered remains of propriety stopped me from saying a longer, particularly foul word. Why whispered? because my roommate's asleep).

My second instinct was to grab the nearest thing that could act as a shield as well as an offensive instrument(I may be a coward, but when push comes to shove I can swat like nobody's business). Pencil box? No. Student diary? No. Packet of tim tams? Good grief, where's a weapon when you need one. I finally grabbed a decent implement(French exercise book), and held it over my head. The moth, which had been fluttering about near the ceiling, suddenly veered to the left and crashed into my blinds before sliding downwards. I can't see it now, my table's blocking my view. It hasn't made any movement since, so I suspect it's dead now(unless it's just sitting there quietly, which, if you think about it, is a pretty creepy thought). Now I have to pick up a dead moth tomorrow.

On an almost unrelated note, I find it peculiar and at the same time pathetic how susceptible I am to developing blog infatuations.(Did I just type that? Blog infatuations?)

I am so screwed for Corporate Law.

The next time I post I'll be at home!I want to screech out some ancient tribal cry of excitement and gratitude, but my roommate's asleep.

ok bye.

Edit: BLOODY HELL THE MOTH ISN'T DEAD IT'S SITTING THERE QUIETLY! Serious mangkuk ayun lah.

Bum like you

Aku dah buat dua exam, tinggal dua je lagi.

Sekarang dekat Melbourne tengah panas. Panas ya rabbi. Semalam aku punye first exam, buat masa sesi petang, pukul 2.15. Ntah kenape aku pergi underestimate how hot it would be in the exam hall, jadi aku pergi pakai jeans, a blouse(tapi warna merah, sebab aku taknak pakai baju hitam yang serap haba), kasut, pastu aku pergi lepaskan rambut. Sebab rambut aku panjang, kiranya aku macam pakai scarf. Exam aku dua jam. 120 minit. Aku rasa 20 minit daripada masa tu aku sibuk fikir “panas ya rabbi”, sambil lap peluh.

Hari ni aku exam petang lagi, jadi aku pun ambik lah langakah-langkah berpatutan untuk menghadapi kepanasan dalam exam hall. Aku pakai three-quartered jeans aku dengan t-shirt, even though t-shirt tu gelebeh and dia punya collar dah bentuk pelik sebab basuh banyak sangat kali. Lepas tu aku pakai selipar dan aku ikat rambut aku biar bonjot atas kepala. Kesimpulannya, aku nampak macam orang gaji masa tengah buat exam tadi.Takpe. Aku dah biasa.(Ye,aku selalu keluar rumah nampak macam orang gaji, ape masalah kau ?)

Masa aku tengah nak jalan pergi exam hall tadi aku ada nampak seorang kawan(kawan ke? kenalan lah kiranya) aku ni tengah jalan kat depan aku. Aku boleh cam belakang dia, serious terrer. Anyway, kalau ikutkan,melainkan aku kenal orang tu secara baik, aku selalunye akan jalan perlahan-lahan, ataupun ikut jalan lain, dengan harapan aku tak payah tegur orang itu dan dia takkan perasan aku, sebab aku ni socially retarded like that. Tapi kali ni aku pegi kat betul-betul belakang kenalan aku seorang ni pastu aku pegi tepuk bahu dia. Dua benda muncul kat dalam kepala aku saat-saat aku tepuk bahu dia, iaitu:

a) Tinggi jugak dia ni, kalau nak tepuk bahu dia aku kena angkat tangan hampir separas dengan muka aku.

b) APE PASAL AKU TENGAH TEPUK BAHU DIA NI??

Aku sibuk sangat fikir pasal b), sampaikan bila kenalan aku tu pusing dan nampak aku, aku tak mampu nak senyum kat dia dan cakap ‘hi’ ke apa. Tak. Aku sekadar naikkan bulu kening sikit. Tak boleh naikkan mulut untuk senyum, naikkan bulu kening pun jadilah.

Apa kejadahnya aku naikkan bulu kening ? Gila sombong. Or just gila, fullstop.

Magdalene

My love affair with my studies is going through a rough patch.

Maybe it's just because of exams? Exams, the loathsome creature that mocks my immaturity, my lack of hard work, my stupidity. Perhaps. But this semester has been a sort of blur for me, and the only classes I felt like I was attending body and soul were my french classes.

How can you have a love affair with accounting anyway? It sounds downright laughable. Have you ever met a person who is genuinely fascinated by it? I was reading someone's blog, and the passion and innate interest she has for what she's learning, her enthusiasm about her studies and her course work, it shone through, and it killed me a bit, because I don't think I've ever felt like that about my studies. Yes, what I learn can be stimulating,I acknowledge its due importance, but my interest for my studies is parked at the end of classes, and I don't integrate what I learn with my life. I wish I could be more... emotional, I suppose, with my studies. But it's kind of hard to get all worked up over the joys of learning things like the existence of separate financial reporting obligations for different-sized companies, or directors' duties to shareholders.

Why did I choose a commerce degree? Because I felt a certain satisfaction in working out how accounts balance, and was stoked when they actually did. Because economics fascinated me in a way physics and biology couldn't. Because I thought I was good at it, that my intelligence was meant for these subjects, because I could see myself becoming a kick-ass accountant.

Now that I don't feel that I'm good at it anymore, and that my intelligence seems non-existent, and half of my lectures bore me to tears, what does that leave me with?

I want to come home so badly, I am ultimately tired of this place for the time being.

*** Very sorry for this, I tried very hard to avoid doing an emo exam post this time around. I was initially supposed to blog about things like witty(if I do say so myself) retorts to weight-gain comments, tim-tam slam orgasms, my imaginary t-shirt shop ambitions, etc, but somehow this was what came about. I is failure.

I have to go get groceries

My compensation for studying as of late has been videos of korean boybands.

Betul.

Despite the demise of the boyband in negara-negara matsalleh(or its evolution to the Jonas Brothers), it has been perfectly preserved in South Korea. I mean, we're talking about the traditional formula here:

Good looking guys(or disturbingly pretty, depending on your view) + catchy pop tunes + dancing + videos with close-ups of them singing with emotional faces = bunch of fangirls squealing

South Korean boybands are wonderfully unapologetic about it, the boys are all so pretty(nampak macam semua baru hit puberty, but withouts zits. No body hair to be seen!) utterly metrosexual, good dancers(I now appreciate the intricacies of good blocking), and they have a tendency to go for band names in the form of letters.

How can I not be cheered up watching them?!

So if I don't do well for this exam, you know why. I was too busy watching hairless boys singing and dancing simultaneously.

tell her nothing if not this

Someone must have slipped me the happy drug today, because I was giggling (that's right, giggling) at the most random things. I giggled thinking about the french dialogue I had to listen to for my listening test. I giggled while I was walking behind a couple of acquaintances of mine who had recently become an actual couple. I giggled after I pretended not to see someone(I'm sorry,I can't help it! Avoiding a conversation just seems easier than actually having one), I giggled reading the scribbles on the tables at the library(I love scribbles!). I giggled thinking about some regrets,I giggled thinking how frumpy I looked, I giggled while replaying recent events and conversations in my head, I giggled watching videos on Youtube. It was a lot of giggling, occasionally followed by periods of perplexity over what was it I found so damn amusing.

Remember this one?


I should be sleeping.

Riot on an empty street

"Elle est amoureuse!"
"Je la connais même pas".
"Mais si je la connais".
"Depuis quand ?"
"Depuis toujours. Dans tes rêves".


***

Having been reminded of the existence of this blog, I am somewhat pleasantly surprised by how much I miss it. I miss it like I miss a pal, as if the few people who read it have molded into one big lump of friend, a friend I just so happen to be at ease with to tell embarrassing things to. It hasn't been that long since I last blogged, but it sure feels like it, and I have all these things I want to tell you, what I've been up to, and what I've been scared of and what I've been excited about, what has been making me feel guilty. I'm sorry it's all about me, but that's just the kind of friend this blog is.

But first order of business. I got King's of Convenience's Declaration of Dependence, and here I must stop and take a deep breath because I'm about to burst with the joy of telling you how much I love it. Few things make me as happy as when I finally get a CD I've been anticipating and it turns out as good as you hoped it would be(and my hopes were pretty high).It is so lovely. KAKAK KAKAK KAKAK JUST WAIT 'TILL I COME BACK THEN YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT!

Second order of business. I was in my macro tutorial the other day, lost as usual, and suddenly Voice in My Head quipped: "and to think you tried applying to Cambridge. Ha-ha!Ha-ha-ha!".I almost joined in laughing out loud.

Third order of business. Being in the dance production for Flare reminded me of some long-lost childhood trait: I kind of like performing. It's a bit intoxicating, that adrenaline rush before you get out on stage, the swell of watchamacallit if your performance goes well.

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. I don't mind that I'll have to meet up with relatives saying I've gained weight, or if my family gets annoyed with me, or the cat doesn't recognize me, or even the dread of work and the inevitable screw-ups that come with it. I want to get home.

Now, all I have to do is contribute towards a kickass show tonight, sober up tomorrow and get cracking on the studies. and say sorry to God. again. and stop eating out and cook more. and do the exam papers. and look forward to my flight back.

sounds like a plan.a plan that does not account for freaking out.